Vampire Shoeless Joe Jackson Comes To Iowa

Okay, so, the Twilight series says that vampires play baseball in the rain because they hit the ball so hard it sounds like thunder…

Do they have specially made bats and balls, or do they just run through hundreds of them a game? The physics of this suggest that hitting the ball hard as thunder would shatter not only the bat, but tear the cover off the ball. If a young vampire grew up with dreams of playing professional baseball, would he be given special treatment, or would he have to play in the vampire minors all his life? Is drinking vampire blood the equivalent of juicing? Could a vampire play professional baseball if they only agreed to play night games and/or wear sunblock? I mean, Michael Phelps is clearly a mutant, so we should let vampires play professional sports, too.

Also, this thunder thing — does that mean they hit the ball longer, and therefore the field is larger? So what happens fifty years from now, when Edward Cullen tires of the Seattle rain and moves with Bella to a farm in Iowa, only to hear a vampire baseball announcer say “if you build it, they will come?” Does he tear up an entire cornfield, rather than just a corner, to build a vampire ballpark? What does Bella have to say about that? What does the Twilight universe’s equivalent of Timothy Busfield have to say? Is Twilight Tim Busfield an asshole because his sister’s a vampire, or is he an asshole because he wants the farmland? Who’s the Shoeless Joe of the vampire baseball world? If the vampires idolize actual ballplayers, won’t that be kind of a problem when they show up, only to find a field the size of five football fields? And when the vampire baseball announcer tells Edward “Ease his pain,” does he say “Ease her pain,” leading a confused Edward to discover a writer who once wrote a series of novels where the lead character shares the same name as him, Edward Cullen, who is also a vampire? Can Stephenie Meyer deliver the vampire baseball equivalent of “People will come, Edward” as well as J.D. Salinger does in the book? Does Meyer agree allow her name to be used in the book but not the movie, leading her character to become black and feisty (Wanda Sykes, k thx bai)? What does Wanda Sykes delivering the vampire baseball equivalent of the People Will Come speech sound like? And just how does the Twilight universe’s Moonlight Graham play into all this?

These are the things I think about.


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